Surviving the Holidays After Loss

The holidays can be downright brutal for individuals who have lost someone they loved dearly. They say the first of everything is horrid to live through and I agree with that sentiment. After losing my child, Christmas has never been the same. Some years you are just happy to get through the holiday season. Of course, every first after a loss is difficult to manage. But when it comes to that first Christmas, ouch.

All of the other first holidays, birthdays, and special events can make a person depressed as well. However, don’t think the second, third, and the others can’t be almost as bad as the first. People tell me each year can be a painful reminder of what they no longer have. In my case, I find that things are different. They are not necessarily better or worse than the first few years. They are all just different than the ones before. Then again, life is different now. And that’s just the way it is.

From Halloween through New Year’s Day there will be an onslaught of happy families doing happy things and that stretch of time can be gut-wrenching for those who have lost, This is especially true for those who have lost a child. You want to enjoy the holidays. You long to be as happy as they are. You want to celebrate with family, but inside it hurts so much. Yeah, I can relate.

And that is why I wanted to give you a few things to think about this year. The following items are based on my experiences and the experiences of others. Here are a few suggestions regarding how to survive the holiday season.

Be Easy on Yourself

You are in a difficult place and the holidays can provide a sense of extra stress. That is not something you need right now. You may feel as if you have to be something you just can’t be at the moment. You may break down in tears or you may hyperventilate while watching a television show (or see another child opening presents). It’s OK. Allow yourself those moments and do not beat yourself up over it. Go easy on yourself, especially during the holidays.

You Do You

If you are a person who likes to decorate like crazy for Christmas, but now you don’t have the desire, that’s OK too. You may worry about what others may think, but the holidays are tough and you need to only worry about what you need right now. Worry about what you feel and not what others think. Sometimes that’s hard to do, but that’s what you need.

Be With Supporters

Surround yourself with people who are still supporting you as you work through your loss. You may be surprised at who is providing the support you need and who is not. There is a chance you may be really disappointed by who you expected to be there versus who is. But that’s OK as well. Your focus needs to be on healing, so keep your supporters close during the holidays and distance yourself from the negative ones.

Be Social But Only If You Can

If we don’t go to a family function or some other sort of holiday party, we worry that someone will be upset with us, but yet again we need to worry about our mental health first. So if you feel as if you just can’t do that party, then don’t. Stop worrying about what others think and heal first.

Consider Getting Away 

Some use the holidays as a time to vacation. Instead of being stressed by everything at home, maybe planning a get-a-way is the answer. This may not be for everyone, but others have stated that it has helped them immensely.

Shop Online (Or Not At All)

If fighting crowds in the stores concern you, then consider buying everything online. That may be especially true the first year after a child dies. It can be hard to be around large groups and going out in public may seem overwhelming. Luckily, shopping online can be the answer to avoiding some additional anxiety you do not need. Then again, do not feel obligated to shop at all if you are not up to it. Nobody will question why you didn’t buy them a present (at least nobody that truly cares about you).

Keep Remembering

Each Christmas my wife will take a book, The Night Before Christmas, to our son’s grave and read it to him. It is something she did every year while he was alive and it is something she felt the need to continue even after his death. Maybe you want to start a new tradition or find a new way to remember or include your child or loved one during the holidays. Whatever that may be, it can be another valuable coping mechanism and help you survive this time of year.

Hopefully, these suggestions help you manage these holidays without the person you are missing. There is nothing I can offer you for the pain, but that’s because the love you shared was so deep. Although it hurts not being together, keep the faith. One day, we will meet them again. That is the hope that I hold onto and the reason that Faith Beyond is here.

Note: You can check out the premiere episode of the Faith Beyond Podcast here. On the first show, we discuss suicide awareness and prevention with guest Sarah Jefferson of Helpline.